19th Oct 2012 1:33am | By Alex Harmon
Nathaniel Beard of the hairy four piece band from Adelaide tells us why bearded men are better, what he thinks of chicks with beards, and why you should avoid shaving at all costs
Hi Nathanial, are you excited about your national tour?
Yes, very excited. Every time we tour it becomes more and more likely that people will grow beards, and that is what drives us.
Is there a place in Australia with exceptionally good beards?
Australia is looking strong at the moment, it’s a constantly increasing rate for beards, which is great, but we find that Canberra is surprisingly filled with beards. Almost to the point that we feel we don’t need to play there anymore.
But you don’t see many beards in politics?
No you don’t, and I think that will be one of the last things to change. There are a lot of preconceptions that exist with beards. Basically a politician growing a beard is gambling with their whole career. That shouldn’t be the way it is, but unfortunately being a public figure with a beard is tough. But the tides are changing. Brad Pitt has a beard, for example. And I think that is a good benchmark.
Why are bearded men better?
Well they’re better because they have beards. I am not sure what the reason behind it is. But I have certainly noticed that bearded men are better looking, they are faster at running, they have neater handwriting and they are better at writing songs about beards.
Would you ever get rid of the beard for a woman?
There is nothing that would make me get rid of my beard. Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top was once offered $1m to shave off his beard and he refused. Me personally? I would rather die than remove my beard. I would rather be brutally murdered than remove even part of my beard.
Have you ever been discriminated because of you beard?
Oh all the time. I have faced much bearded hardship. I’ve been refused jobs, I’ve had girls tell me they’re not interested, I’ve had people cross the street because they think that just because I have a beard I must be a criminal or a rapist. The list of prejudices is a long list.
Has it changed over the years?
Yes, it’s definitely getting easier. Slowly but surely it is being elevated. I can certainly see a difference since when we started mid-90s. Men that don’t have beards, well they are part of history now, it’s finished, it’s too late. I give it 10-15 years and most people will have beards. And ideally I would like to see a reverse of the discrimination that we’ve experienced.
What do you think of hipster beards?
They’re fine, any beard is fine with me. What I don’t like is people growing a beard because it might be cool to do that. I don’t think that’s a good reason. I think you should grow a beard because you’re supposed to grow a beard, not because it’s currently in fashion.
What do you think of Movember?
I don’t like moustaches one bit. It really irks me when someone wears a moustache. I like beards.
So you’re not into designer stubble?
I don’t mind a styled beard, but just make sure it’s a beard. A moustache is not a beard. I don’t like things that aren’t beards.
Does your dad have a beard, or do you have two mums?
My dad has had a beard for his entire adult life. And so has his father and his father before him. I come from a long line of bearded men.
What do you think of chicks with beards?
I like them. They’re not common enough. I appreciate seeing them, and often at gigs females will have a fake beard or they will have a drawn on beard and I often find that to be quite an improvement. I don’t like looking at a beardless face. It makes me angry and sick.
Best beard you’ve ever seen?
I’ve seen some pretty good beards in my time. Probably the best beard I’ve ever seen belongs to a guy called Jack Passion. For four years he was the winner of the Beard and Moustache Championships. To be able to see and touch the best beard in the world, I felt some kind of magical power. It was a thick, luscious red beard that went down to his navel.
Which celebrity has the best beard?
Well I mentioned Brad Pitt and I am very happy that he grew that beard. There wasn’t a great pool of celebs to use as examples of men with great beards. There is Don Burke but people are more likely to listen if it’s Brad Pitt. But I do want special mention to go to Don Burke because he has worn that beard since before they were in fashion up until now when they are starting to come back into fashion. He is still flying the flag. Same with Derryn Hinch. But the best beard of all time, throughout history I would have to say, is Father Christmas. It’s always well groomed and fluffy and white, I’m sure he uses a good conditioner.
Tips for maintaining your beard?
Give it a bit of a trim, wash it regularly and first and foremost if you’re trying to grow a beard – avoid shaving at all cost.
Do you have any songs that are not about beards?
No. And we prefer it that way. I don’t know if you got the memo but we only answer questions that are about beards. We don’t have any songs that aren’t about beards, and if anyone ever writes a song that isn’t about beards, that member will immediately be removed. As soon as you start writing songs that aren’t promoting beards or beard growth. Then your conviction weakens.
What is your favourite song to perform?
I probably like Shaved off his Beard because it’s a warning to anyone thinking of shaving about what could potentially happen to them.
Thanks for chatting to me, I feel very unworthy for not having a beard.
Well the best thing you can do is encourage anyone who has a beard to keep it and encourage anyone that doesn’t have a beard to please grow a beard. And I would give them ultimatums. Like 'if you want to keep me in your life, then you must grow a beard'.
Catch The Beards in Canberra (Nov 1), Sydney (Nov 2), Melbourne (Nov 3), Perth (Nov 17), Hobart (Nov 30) and Adelaide (Dec 1 & 2). thebeardsblog.wordpress.com